Midnight Hugs

“Scientist seeks compassionate man for experiment. Outstanding compensation,” said the ad in the Los Angeles Times. Ed figured that meant him. He grabbed his phone and dialed.

“This is Dr. Zangara,” said a raspy voice.

“My name’s Ed Holden. I’m calling about your ad. What kind of experiment are you conducting?”

“Before I answer, I have a question for you: who played Mother Bates in the movie Psycho?”

“Nobody. She was a figment of Norman Bates’ twisted mind.”

“Correct. You passed the first test. Come to my research laboratory at 59000 Topanga Canyon to take the next test.

Dr. Zangara ushered Ed into a room that looked like a mad scientist’s laboratory. He felt unnerved when asked to sit facing a weird-looking machine.

“This machine measures compassion,” Zangara said. “Stick your left index finger into the red slot.”

When Ed complied, Zangara continued. “Good. I’m going to count backward from three. When I say one, think about starving children in the Third World and how sorry they make you feel. Get ready. Three. Two. One. Concentrate.”

Ed pictured himself handing granola bars to horribly emaciated children. Hundreds of lights flashed on the machine.

“Remarkable!” said Zangara. “You’ve generated more compassion than my experiment requires.”

He asked Ed to sign a confidential nondisclosure agreement. The fine print stipulated if he ever uttered a word about the experiment, the scientist would sue. His high-powered lawyers had never lost a case and were experts at ruining lives.

When Ed signed, Zangara said, “Your salary is $5,000 per week. Housing, food, and Corvette provided. Project duration is seven weeks. If it’s successful, you’ll get a $25,000 bonus.”

“Did you say Corvette?”

“Yes. As for meals, I’ve arranged for you to dine in any of Los Angeles’ five-star restaurants. You’ll live here until the experiment is finished.”

“Can I take the car and go surfing at Malibu all day?”

“Go wherever you want. But make sure you’re back here by 11:30 PM to prepare for the experiment. We’ll begin exactly at midnight. It’ll last for 15 minutes each time.”

“What kind of experiment?” Ed asked. He might be compassionate, but he wasn’t stupid.

“Physical transfer of high-intensity emotional vibrations. Your task is to hug three, magnificently beautiful 20-year old women for five minutes each. A blonde, brunette, and redhead. They’ll be topless. So will you.”

“Mmm. Very nice,” Ed said. “How come we gotta be topless?”

“Makes it easier for your compassionate vibrations to penetrate their inner cores and transform the molecules of their vital essences. While embracing them, you must arouse your compassion. I suggest you concentrate on miserable, starving, Third World children, since we already know those mental images raise your emotions to incredible heights.”

“Wow! I can’t believe I’m gonna get paid to hug hot, topless babes! Can I see them now?”

“You’ll meet them tonight in their bedroom—at five minutes before midnight. It’s now 4:00 PM. I’ll show you your room. Afterward, you can take the Corvette for a drive. Here’s a prepaid dining card for your meals. Make sure you’re back by 11:30 PM. The experiment begins tonight.”

Ed checked his accommodations, then headed for Malibu.

At 11:30 PM, Ed showered and doused himself with aftershave.

At 11:55, Dr. Zangara led him to the women’s bedroom and opened the door.

“What the hell is this?” Ed yelled, when he saw three naked women lying inside three coffins.

Ignoring the question, Zangara said, “Take your shirt off, Ed. It’s almost midnight.”

“But they look dead.”

“They are.”

“You hired me to hug corpses?”

Zangara smiled. “Exactly. My calculations indicate that embracing them with intense compassion will trigger the cosmic forces necessary to bring them to life.”

“Oh, man. I gotta hug three dead chicks every night for 15 minutes!”

“For 49 consecutive nights,” Zangara said. “Wrap your arms around the blonde. It’s almost midnight. Raise her from the coffin and press her chest against yours as tightly as you can. She’ll probably feel squishy from embalming fluid. While you hold her, make sure you concentrate on fly-covered, starving kids. I’ll set my stopwatch. When I give the signal, put her back in the coffin and hug the brunette.”

Reaching for the blonde, Ed tried to make believe she was alive and had the hots for him.

“Damn! She’s ice cold.”

“What do you expect from a refrigerated corpse? Just think of her as being asleep. If the experiment works, she’ll wake up. When she does, she’ll be warm and in your arms. Her beautiful chest will be pressed against yours. Might excite her. Who knows what’ll happen then?”

The brunette was just as cold. So was the redhead.

“Time’s up,” Zangara said after what seemed like forever. “See you tomorrow evening.”

As Ed raced for the shower, Zangara called, “Make sure you’re back here tomorrow night, or my lawyers will bury you.”

On the final night of the experiment, Ed hugged the blonde extra hard. Nothing happened. Same with the brunette.

When he hugged the redhead, she sighed.

“It’s working!” yelled Zangara.

“But it’s only one out of three,” Ed said, feeling heat rising from the woman’s chest.

“Good enough! Yahoo! I’m going to be famous for reanimating the dead!”

“Can I let her go now?”

“No! Keep hugging her! Four more minutes to go. Keep thinking about emaciated children. If your compassionate vibrations diminish now, the results may be unpredictable.”

“But she’s biting my neck. It hurts bad.”

“Take the pain.”

“But she’s sucking real hard.”

“She’s probably thirsty. She’s been dead five years. Hang on…only three minutes to go.”

Seven seconds remained when Ed collapsed.

The corpse fell back into her coffin.

Zangara checked her pulse, then Ed’s. Both were dead.

“Things are improving,” he said. “Last time, she bit the guy’s neck so hard, his head fell off.”

The next day, he called the newspaper. “I want to place an ad in the Help Wanted Section: Scientist seeks compassionate man for experiment. Must have extremely strong neck.”