September 2009

When the morning came, the kid woke up and demanded to know who we were. The nerve of her to demand anything from us in our own house, little did we know it would only get worse. After a lot of yelling and crying, all on the part of little miss priss, we decided she could stay, but only if she cooked and cleaned. This seemed like a great idea at the time, some one to cook for us and clean for us, all we would need to do was work, eat and sleep.

Well that didn’t work out so great. With in a few weeks she was ordering us around, we were cleaning up more that ever after the little slob, and she practically ate us out of house and home. She even had the audacity to push together two of our beds to make one big one for her, where did we end up you ask? On the floor, in our own house. Yea, sure she had a rough life, what with her mom dying and then her dad dying and leaving her with the crazy chick with the mirror. I mean no matter how much of a brat a kid is, there is no reason to have a huntsman take her into the woods to kill her, and the whole bring back her lungs and liver so I can eat them deal, that’s just nasty. But what can you expect from a nut who talks to mirrors, and thinks they talk back.

Sorry, tangent, back to the story again. So Snow White went on ordering us around, taking our food and beds, and acting like the spoiled brat that she was. Then one day while we were at work, an old woman came to the door with a new pretty ribbon for Snow White’s dress. After using some of OUR money to buy herself the ribbon, Snow White let the woman help her put the ribbon on. But as it turns out the woman was really the wicked witch in disguise and so she pulled the ribbon so tight that little Snow White passed out, lack of oxygen, you know how it works.

When we got home we found her in a heap on the floor. Now I know I know you are wondering why the hell if she treated us like that we would save her, but I mean she is just a kid, no one deserves death by ribbon, so we cut the ribbon off and she woke up. We told her not to let that freak back in the house again and she promised not to. But the next day, another old woman showed up at our house with a beautiful comb. Again dumb-ass used more of our money and let the woman comb her hair. As the comb touched her jet-black hair, Snow White fell to the ground. The comb was poisoned. When we returned again we found her on the floor and we pulled the comb out of her hair. When she woke we made her promise once more not to let anyone in our house. Come on, its common sense, not your house, not your money, so stop letting weird people in and stop buying shit with our money.

The next day we went to work, and this time a young peasant woman came to our house, I swear we have never been so popular, and in her hand she held a perfect red apple. Now I’m sure you have heard this tale and think you know “the real story”. But you have no idea. Of course you know that Snow White took the apple and fell into a deep sleep. But at this point it seemed hopeless, this chick was so stupid it wasn’t worth our time to try to save her, three assassination attempts in three days, you think she would get the point, but nope, so we decided to let it be and tossed her out of our house and into the woods.

For the next few days we lived in bliss, we were free from the reign of Snow White and we were happy about it. We drank too much moonshine, we smoked fat cigars and we ate all the food we wanted. It was a glorious time for us. Until some weirdo in tights showed up with Snow White slung over his shoulder. “Help, Help,” he shouted to us, “this beautiful maiden, with skin like snow, lips like blood and hair as dark as night is trapped in a deep deep sleep and we must save her.” We calmly explain to him that she was a moron and that we had already saved her twice and really it was just getting to be a waste of time. But he was relentless and made us give her a bed so that he might kiss her in comfort. And again, I lost my bed to the brat while this “prince” kissed her. Who would want to kiss a corpse I thought to my self as he leaned in.

Sure enough his kiss awoke her and he carried her off to his castle, guess he really was a prince, and married her. They lived happily ever after. Where am I you ask? Well the lovely Snow White decided she wanted a field for her royal horses, and the chopped down our forest and our house, what a gem huh? Now I work in the stables putting her royal saddles on her royal horses for her royal ass to sit on. What a life.

And that is the real story of Snow White. Her stepmother, if you care to know has most recently been hospitalized for mental instability. I guess that whole talking to mirrors thing finally got out to the public.

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